R.I.P. Lakewood, WA Officers

I had a new post today. However, out of respect for the four fallen officers this morning, I felt the need to avoid my usual cynical musings and will publish them tomorrow.



Thank you to ALL officers for serving and protecting to the best of your abilities on any given day.

R.I.P. and my thoughts with your families on this horrific day.

Cheers,

OOPS... A KID DID IT AGAIN!

Sarah K. writes:

Shameless,

I saw your last posts on Komo so I know you're dying to talk about this and I think the parents could have done a better job at watching their children in this instance! Seriously, a 6 year old should have not even been left alone long enough to get into such a situation!

Well Sarah, you're right. I have been following this story for a few hours and I've already talked about my stance on parenting today and how it is inevitably, affecting our children and our very own future. For my latest published experience, please see "So This Kid Punches Me In My Dick" post.

Anyhow, I've seen and heard a ton of people commenting on how the Heene's should be responsible for the rescue operation expenses due to their negligence and given their history from ABC's hit, the "Wife Swap" and I couldn't agree more (almost). I'm muttering almost because no matter what any of us say nor what the situation costs, any one of us would want our child or children back safely, regardless. So all though I'm sure the Heeen's are the majority of parents contributing to the " So This Kid Punches Me In The Dick" generation directly, I'm also sure that they love little Eagle, I mean "Falcon" unconditionally (OK, I'm a little bit soft on this post than usual).

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty.... I have some questions about the whole thing and I'm sure the media is 50% responsible for blowing the whole thing out of proportion and the parents are 100% responsible for their children!

1. Why were the children unsupervised?
2. Did ABC's "Wife Swap" really help? OK, that one's maybe irrelevant. Or is it?
3. Sheriff's deputies shoveled dirt on the balloon to keep it from flying away. REALLY? That was the plan?? Even a local suggested dropping honey on top of it. LOL, of course.
4. What the hell was the "object" the deputy spotted anyway? A giant Falcon turd? He-he...
5. Komo reports: "Troy Brown said the Black Hawk helicopter was in the air for nearly three hours, and the Kiowa helicopter was airborne for about one hour. The Black Hawk costs about $4,600 an hour to fly, and the Kiowa is $700 an hour, Brown said." So, who's paying for this?
6. Mayumi seems dumb...
7. Richard seems dumb too...
8. I EXPECT to see them on GMA soon. Place your bets...
9. MOST OF US WOULD HAVE FOUND OUR CHILD, EVEN IN AN ATTIC OR GARAGE.
9. The whole thing just seems fishy...

P.S. To those of you who said I was close on my "he's hiding in the garage" guess; I WAS RIGHT! He was in a box, in the attic that was IN THE GARAGE! HA!!

Cheers,

If the Ass-Backwards Shoe Fits, Wear It?

Gary writes:

Dear Shameless,

Have you seen those hi-tech shoes that work out your calves just by walking?

Gary,

Why, yes I have actually. I saw a segment on the news awhile back about a walking shoe that helps you burn calories while you walk without even noticing? REALLY?? You mean it does something other than cover my feet from the elements so I can go to work or even jog??? AND it bends your feet up the wrong damn direction AND comes with a reasonable price tag of $250 during a recession???? {Hint: I'm being sarcastic for all you inbred idiots out there} Wow! This has to be too good to be true because if it's anything like those cool pump-up air shoes I had as a kid that would cut my blood circulation off (so I could perform better?) then count me in!!

"You don't even realize you're doing exercise just by walking in them" said Terry Brian from the Moderately Walking Shoe Company.

That guy is right though, I don't even want to feel like I'm working out because that could lead to boosting my confidence and actually shedding some unwanted pounds! That my friends would just be silly.

So me being the genius I am and wanting to cash in on this revolutionary idea of selling a f$#@%& -up shoe, I decided to make my own. I even have a catchy promotional phrase for it too! Check it out...


Gary, save your hard earned money and buy back the other half of your brain pal.

Cheers,

New Scientific Study Shows MySpace, Facebook & Twitter Are All Forms Of Ego-Stroking Self-Masturbation?

Cindy R. writes: Dear Shameless,

Why don't you have a Facebook or Twitter following?

Well Dear Cindy,

Because unlike all of you selfish pricks of the planet, I have other important things to do with my life (like raising a family). See, it's like this... I like to try and make a small difference in the world everyday without ejaculating my life's minor details all over my social network's digital, avatar faces.

Let's just say I find it ironic that most people spend more time talking to their cell phones and computers rather than actual people? Guess I'm the politically retarded one here.

Where to start...? How about, EVERYONE thinks they are a delicate f@#$%&*-flower so I'll explain:

You can call it what you want, but in the end I highly doubt that Cindy telling the world that her "kid is cute" and "Johnny is the best daddy" were her original intentions for networking productively? Nope, she's masturbating her ego. How about Danny's photo of himself tongue-molesting his girlfriend posted on his profile? Self-masturbation...

For years, I have refrained from posting selfish, insignificant details of my life every other hour unlike oh, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY! However, I've had a recent (selfish) change of heart and would like to share how my first post will look on Twitter and Facebook because MySpace is soooo late 2006. So here it goes...

{EVER HAD THIS HAPPEN?

I was taking my morning shit this morning when I almost ended up using the whole roll of toilet paper to clean my bung-hole. Why is that? Is it because I'm wiping away at a turd that hasn't yet dropped? Are my pubic butt hairs just naturally absorbent?? These are all important questions which leads me to my final thought: I think those bidet things would solve most of our ass-hole problems in the world. ~Shameless}

See what I mean? No matter how hard you all try, in the end you still end up looking like a piece of shit for posting your life's particulars on the internet. So whatever the reason; you're looking for a soul mate, friend, family member, ex-colleague, whatever... they do not need to know if "Fluffy pooped today" or my "two year-old son or daughter is sooooo cute!" type of post(s). When I see my local news anchor asking for more "fans" on their Facebook account, I feel like they just puked an unnecessary amount of self-indulgent, DNA-detail into one of my dirty socks.

Whether most of you ever admit it or not, the rest of us could really give a shit about your trials and tribulations regarding obstacles we all face on a DAILY basis! My advice to AMERICA is this: use your f@#$%&* vocal chords to tell a TRUE friend your brilliant moments and problems instead of using your fat, stubby, texting/typing fingers.

But why Shameless? It's simple Suzie. I mean, Cindy. Because your life will always be compared to someone who's life is not as lame as yours (really). Oh go on, tell yourself otherwise: "But, I'm a delicate f@#$%&*-flower and you're just a freak of nature Shameless!" Yea, yea, you're still societies douche bag, living among the general population like the rest of us you "delicate f@#$%&*-flower" you.

I hoped this helped Cindy.

Oh yea, he's back...

Cheers,

HIT REALITY SHOW GETS NEW TITLE: "John & Kate + 8 = 10 - John ÷ Kate = Divorce with a bunch of little bastards running around"

Forget about puppy mills... why should anyone feel sorry for people who mate like wild bunnies without any regard to the consequences? Where did I miss the new fad that having a bunch of children is the "cool" thing to do??

And is it me, or am I really the only person on this planet who thinks that Kate is a bitch? I don't blame her completely though; I mean, what kind of an idiot would want that many kids and a bitchy wife who's infamous for just breeding? You could probably park a few semi-trucks and pop up some circus tents without even leaving a scratch in there. {That's funny right thar, I don't care who you are}

How can anyone feel sorry for them when they make a butt-load of money off of their own self-indulgence because of the general public's inability to watch something else worth watching?! They both made the bed they no longer sleep in and I feel about as "sorry" for them as I do for Michael Jackson's kids right now. Before you attack me on this one (because I just love those hater's), try serving our country for a cause you may not even believe in- while at the same time having you leg blown off from a rogue missile and get some REAL problems Gosselins.

Cheers,

Pet Peeve #3

For the most part, I can be pretty patient. Not today... I'm in line at a local bitch box (espresso stand- I think it's called Java Slut) about three cars back and this GUY is talking to the Barista for like six minutes- after he receives his drink! People started to do that little, pathetic half-honk thing (ya know the one where you want them to know someone honked, but not you) and the guy still didn't get the hint!!

So what do I do?

I laid down on my horn like I'm taking a nap at a Pink Floyd concert. He looks around embarrassed-like and finally, drives off. By the time I pull up to the window, the java jugs girl is telling me what he said without even asking me. She said he asked her out and gave her a Victoria Secret bag with some fancy panties in it. {Huh?} Of course, she's freaked out because she's 18 years old going on 14 and he's in his mid-forties or something.

Do I care?

Not really, just give my damn coffee. There's no other stand around for a few miles and I'm going to be late for work. Besides, they fired the girl I like with the best boobs anyway...


Note to self: The uglier girl's side moves faster if I'm running late.


Cheers,

SLAP, SLAP, SLLLAAAP!!

I'm sorry, but this picture had me feeling sorry for animals, Carrot Top and the Hello Kitty franchise all at the same time. You can see it in his face that even Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) feels awkward? He looks like someone attempted to make a fatter version of Jay Leno out of some clay and then played "dress up" in old auntie's closet. If you can't take the heat... ...you know the rest Perez. There are many forms of violence Perez and you just showed Toronto one of them and will.i.am (hate spelling that out) and his bodyguard showed the other kind. I would pay to see Hilton and Will.i.am slap-box each other.
BTW: If you're going to call famous musicians "fagots" while offending the entire gay community at the same time, you better be able to take one to the face! {picture me dying of laughter here} I suggest an appropriate change of protective attire for the next time you head out.

Cheers,

David "Lamerman" VS. "Governhater" Palin Square-Off

"Letterman on the left, Palin on the right... ... and you can vote for whoever you like... ....yea!"

So here's my two cents on the whole Sarah Palin/David Letterman tiff; because that's what it is folks, a f$#@&*+ "tiff". At this point, I think both parties are paid way too much! Palin is starving for attention (as is Letterman) and Letterman's jokes lately, just suck. I really don't think anyone was offended until Governhater Palin was. Seriously, you know I'm right. All busniness aside, this is a personal attack on Palin's family AND it's a joke. Here's the rub, I'm not even a fan of Letterman and also I kind of like Palin. I mean, she's the hot, pit-bull with lipstick ex-candidate that everybody loves to hate but me and (R) Alaska? Whatever, go F&%$# yourselves...
Letterman is old and let's face it; he's about as funny as a reoccurring hemorrhoid who brings his penis-head, keyboard playing friend to a Mexican food-shitting contest the next morning. The whole thing is just an annoying, stinging sensation in my ass that just won't go away! In fact, I think NBC should just rub some Preparation H on the whole-damn thing so it will just recede into the butt-hole land of wasted air time. AND is it me or did Lamerman's show do this to gain the ratings of lost Leno fans? Nahhh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vun98wgAoLc

Doesn't she come off like a bitch? Does she not have something better to do? I mean, Lamerman did it during his widely accepted "job" Palin, you just used national TV at a time in the morning when you and all the rest of America should be f$#@&*+ working your asses off on how to fix the shit we're in for the position you're no longer campaigning for?

If that's not enough, Ol' Mr. Leo Brent Bozell, founder of MRC (Media Research Center) AKA the "Worst Person in the World" has to weigh in on it and "demand" Lamerman to apologize to Sarah Palin and Willow (the daughter the dumbass meant to ridicule). Ooooo... ... he's-a-shakin'-in-his-a-boots-now Bozell; because most people care if you poke your silver-head out... ... Besides Leo, Matt Lauer of the Today Show took Palin's side anyways. So it's a done deal.

Hate it when I'm right. Maybe I should have my own late night talk show or run for the next ex-presidency campaign? No... ...bad idea, because I hate politics and my humor is too "bold" and "racy."

P.S. You would think I know this, BUT I need people to tell me. LMFAO! Later haters...

Cheers,

Make The Damn Change Already!

(click to view image)
Today all US TV stations our cutting off all analog signals. According to the FCC (federal communications commission) there are still over one million homes who still have not made "the change."

Boo-fucking-hoo! Even if you're are 85 years old, deaf, dumb and blind, you've had well over a year with millions of annoying commercials and printed advertisements telling you EXACTLY what to do and when to do it! If you don't recall, this was supposed to originally happen months and months ago but was postponed for fear too many people would still be left in the dark.

GREAT... ... now I have to listen to all the same commercials again but with the added phrase "If you STILL have not" incorporated into them.

The FCC is handing out bumper stickers to help create awareness to those who still have not used their rebate checks for the new digital converter boxes.

(click to view image)



Cheers,

The Boyle That Popped

So we all know who Susan Boyle is by now from Bitain's Got Talent? I don't even intentionally watch the news and I know who she is. I have to say, though she looks like a wildebeest, she finally won me over when she "lost it" on those journalists who harassed her. Let's face it, who doesn't want to kick a journalists ass? Especially reporters who talk with a funny accent. I mean, she's Scottish and I bet to her they sounded like they had the tip of their tongues cut off like those old Australian Toaster Biscuit commercials...

"The're much fluffier than those hard English things. It tastes like it's got butta inside. They make my mouth watuh."

(click on image to view)

Anyhow Susan, take it easy, take a break and call your cat "Pebbles" because I'm sure she's missed you after running out of catnip and eating her own kitty-Roca for months.

Cheers,

Two Amigos Suck Each Other's Egos.

Former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton shared the stage in Toronto, Canada yesterday for the first time ever and neither disagreed about anything on most subjects except for one; IRAQ. Clinton told spectators (who shelled out $200 to witness the event) that U.N. inspectors needed more time for the search performed in Afghanistan looking for weapons of mass destruction to which Bush replied disagreeably, "I don't buy the premise that our attention was diverted." Apparently, that was about as heated as it got. Later, Bush laughed about how his father (former President George H.W. Bush) and Clinton have spent a considerable amount of time together on stage according to his mother Barbara who says "President Clinton and Father share the stage together so much, he's like a son to her." Bush then said, "So brother, it's good to see you."

Despite the overall friendly tone set by the two former Presidents, protesters showed their displeasure for ex-President Bush. Oh well dubelya, ya can't please'em all right?

Here's my highlighted version of how the "Conversation with Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton" went down.

{click on image to enlarge}

Politics are for the birds and politicians are just Hollywood rejects. This includes ex-Presidents.
Cheers,

My Guilty Conscience

Well folks, I guess it's time to pick up more dumbells again and less beer bottles.

I recently was standing in line at the grocery store feeling good about myself when I looked down and saw a muscle magazine staring me in the gut. Now ordinarily this would not bother me, but I've been putting off working out now since my wife got pregnant (about a year and a half ago; first wives have a gestation period of 18 months). In fact, for awhile we had an ongoing contest to see who needed to wear stretchy pants first. Either way I lose... ...Shit.

I picked up the magazine and when I got home I started to read it whilst I dropped off some pooper-troopers into the porcelain abyss. I have to admit, nothing has changed much in the industry after all this time. Take this pill, eat this organic shit, lift the weights this way, blah, blah, blah...
Here's the mag I picked up:

Guess It's kinda lost it's appeal to me.
Have a great weekend Shamers!
Cheers,

Let's play a little game...

Click on the map and see if you can guess which state of the US
I reside in?


Hint: It's the one covered in shit Gregoire. Keep up the good work. Guess we're not so "green" after all.


Cheers,

You say potato, I say Patty the man-eating Nazi.

For those of you who don't know or recognize Patty Stanger of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker from her picture below, (click on image for a closer view) you're not missing out on a damn thing. Really. You're better off for it. This woMan eats wealthy men and their money for a living. Wait, no... ... she "matches" wealthy men up with gold-digging whores. Yep, that's right. Patty-Wacky Stanger actually believes she's helping these men by finding a future ex-companion for them who's willing to someday bleed their bank accounts dry like Paul McCartney's One-legged Ex-wife, Heather Mills.
Which leads me to my next question: why does this matchmaking, man-eating Nazi even have a job doing this? Who gives a shit about the rich in these times? Wouldn't her "talent" be better used to help find the unfortunate people with Turrets Syndrome hook up with other mates of the same disease? Or what if she helped "little people" find other tiny-tike love? How could that be wrong?

She-Devil has even written a book called “Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.” That's amazing considering she's single and no man wants to wed this high octane bitch. Patty, why would any man with half a brain want you? You're screwing it up for them by telling all of our secrets damn it! If you're a matchmaker, than I'm a fortune teller and I predict your ass is going to be wrinkled, alone and reading one of your newly published line of self help books starting with "How to lose the attraction of the entire opposite sex forever because you're a dumb bitch."

Oh well, I think she and Mrs. Potato Head have a few things in common. For instance, they both like to show off their old melons and they both like to keep their men down. This one's for you Cupid's c@#$! Mom told me NEVER to say that word, so I won't even type it Mom :)

Cheers,
P.S. Did someone forget to tell her that her face looks like ?
Because DAMN...

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the mothers out there who need a whole damn day to yourselves,









And to the women in my life who put up with my shit, thank you and I love you.

Cheers,

Because everyone has a HOT sauce story.

So my brother (Uncle Dan) and I try this hot sauce I bought from the World Market store awhile back. We just wanted to kick up my wife's great, but sometimes bland omelette breakfast she makes for me (us) on Sunday mornings. Which kind of pisses me off because my brother often borrows my wife for stuff like that. I mean, he did give her back though. It's not like that neighbor of mine who borrows my tools and "forgets" to return them! Anyways...

So we're trying one of those Blair's hot sauces (I think it was that Super Ultra Mega After Death But Before You Go to Hell one or something?) and it almost killed my brother. This story reminds me of Snow White when she ate that apple and fell asleep. Only instead of an apple, it was hot sauce and instead of falling asleep, it was you just bleed out your ass the next day.

I told him it was "mildly hot" and got him to pour about a quarter of the bottle on his eggs before he took a small, but never the less effective, bite. ONLY there was no anticipation or delay with this sauce. That shit started to burn his eyes before it even got to his face hole! Then he immediately turned red, gagged and started screaming obscenities for five minutes. He then proceeded to to drink everything we had to try and neutralize the pain (as he began to slowly forget who he was and what the hell just happened). In an attempt to save the rest of his breakfast, he then washed the remaining sauce from his rubber omelette.

After he finally came to, he just looked at me and said: "What the fuck is that shit called anyway? You're Gonna Die Bitch or somethin'?" and I say: "Yea, something like that."

So in memory of mine and Uncle Dan's hot sauce incident, I designed a bottle of what I think You're Gonna Die Bitch Hot Sauce would look like. For whatever reason, I didn't think of a flaming skull or the grim reaper or anything like that. Instead I kept thinking of something even more terrifying...


Barney engulfed in flames and saying he's "sorry" came to mind.

Here's to hot sauces and bloody a-holes!

Cheers,

What's the big deal?

The wife and I finally sat down to watch that Twilight movie adopted from Stephanie Meyer's book to see what all the fuss is about. I have to say, I was a little surprised I didn't hate it. Please don't get me wrong, I didn't love it either. I think it's that target market of teeny-boppers that think biting people and drinking blood is the "cool" thing to do or something? In my youth, it was Frankenstein or The Munsters that was cool. Guess I'm old.

























I was just curious about this movie because it takes place in Forks, Washington and nobody really goes there unless they have to.


Cheers,

Scientific breakthrough!

Saw this watching the morning news and almost choked on my coffee. Apparently, a funnel isn't just a funnel anymore.

Wow, all I can say is well done ladies...well done {insert golf clap here}.




HAPPY EASTER or BUNNY DAY EVERYBODY!


Cheers,

The Shameless Taxi Driver

Click on the image below to watch cartoon.









Cheers,

So this kid punches me in my dick...

And this is why I HATE other people's kids...

So I'm standing in line at one of the fifty local Starbucks in my neck of the woods and this little fucker walks up to me and punches my dick! WTF?! Obviously knowing I can't punch his mini egg roll back, I nonchalantly and ever so gently, LAUNCH the dick-slugger back a few feet and say "No! Damn-it!" (I think I murmured "little bastard" under my breath as well).

The kid goes crying up to his mother (a craft which every little shit has mastered) who is conveniently at the front of the line ordering her Quad, Venti, Caramel, Macchiato with extra whip cream. She (kid's mom) is herself, a site to behold. She's at least a four hundred pounder with another noodle-striker in training on one hip and a purse you could park a Buick in on the opposite shoulder. I mean seriously, how do her knees not buckle or implode from her obvious love affair with Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream? OK that's me, but anyhow...
After that thought, I'm thinking in my head that I'm pretty much fucked now and it's too late to make a B-line for the exit door because Jabba the Hutt is going to eat me before I can make a clean escape. As fate would have it however, twinkle toes never did turn around and the little bastard continued to run around pulling merchandise off the shelves and terrorizing other java junkies. I'm guessing this kid would have to have his tiny berries gnawed off by a Norwegian sewer rat before his mommy would even take notice. Meanwhile, her miniature spawn of Satan might as well be pissing in all of our drinks while he's at it.
But wait, there's more!!

Then the little bastard goes over to one of the lounge chairs and starts picking his nose (all the while making sure nobody sees him doing it - but I did). He then proceeds to wipe the piece of his brain on the chair for the next unsuspecting customer to ponder if they're lucky. At this point, I just want to get my goddamn coffee and get the hell out of here before I do something that will make the evening news cast.

So what's the Shameless moral of this story?

Whatever happened to those stupid neon leashes they made for kids anyways? Wait...never mind. That lady would would just have that retractable kind that allows him to go off about fifty yards or more and then leave a steaming poop in my yard.

Cheers,

Smart "ass" you say?

Dorykids5 writes:

"So your blog is to just be an ass about everything?"

{ note: write-in email no longer works}

Uhhhmmm... Yes, yes it is.
















See? I also have a BA if you'd like to see that as well.

Cheers,

Fun Bag Friday?

Oooops... I already missed a Fun Bag Friday! But being a man of my word, here ya go.












Not what you expected for a motivational poster or boobs huh? OK, I'll make it up to you. Here's some motivation for ya!











Click on images to enlarge (boobies).

From now on, click on all images to enlarge (especially if it's boobies).

Cheers,

OCTO-BITCH buys a new home.

Ok, I'm only going to rant on this woman once (maybe) BUT, can you believe this crap? I live in a Democratic state known for taxing the shit out of it's natives (not the immigrants who stand outside of my local hardware stores) and then hands that portion of that money to irresponsible, single mommies who make piss-poor decisions.

But this bitch (I'll say again for all you Octo-Bitch-loving, jobless, state-sucking whores), this bitch buys a $600,000 four bedroom home (which is too small for 14 children if you ask me) while her own mother's house (that Octo-Bitch has been living in until now) is heading to the auction block!

PEOPLE, she used tax payers money to pay her Dr. bills! Then, she argues with her mom on national television trying to justify her actions! Then, you Octo-Bitch lovers defend her ridiculous actions by asking me and the mainstream media (that helped her make money off of her idiotic fame) to "back off" and "just leave her alone"? Why? She's doing so well now she even has her own action figure coming out soon!


Anyone who's known for accomplishing absolutely nothing with the exception of whoring eggs without consequences and is then rewarded for it, is top-notch in my book. So Octo-Bitch, I say this from the bottom of my rotting heart, this Bud's for you!

Cheers,

Here's to IRELAND and green BEERS!

If it wasn't for beer, I'd remember why I started drinking in the first place.

Cheers lads,

I love grilled cheese sandwiches!

So I'm eating an awesome grilled cheese sandwich I made this afternoon when unbeknownst to me, I had some food stuck in my flavor saver. My wife looks at me and says: "Are you saving that cheese for later?" and I say: "That's funny, I was going to ask you the exact same thing in bed this morning."



Cheers,

I knew that bitch was good for something...

I'm going to keep my promise to myself when I first started this blog; so it being Fun Bag Friday and all, here's the first Shameless boobie picture of the week. Enjoy!


P.S. Doesn't Hillary bring out the "nipples" in all of us?

Cheers,

The light at the end of mom's birth canal...

Legend has it... before i was born the umbilical cord was wrapped several times around my neck (already hinting to what my life would become). But NO, my parents had to go and be selfish by allowing the doctors at Steven's Hospital to go in with a pair of forceps and a vacuum, forever leaving me with a permanent cone head. Thanks mom and dad... Really.

P.S. If you look closely at the picture you can see the scar from the first coat hanger attempt on my life. Or as my parents call it, the "mark of the chosen one."

P.S.S. Fuck you Harry Potter... I SURVIVED THE KILLING CURSE!

Cheers,

FIRST THINGS FIRST: Let me set the tone...