Sunday, September 13, 2009

New Scientific Study Shows MySpace, Facebook & Twitter Are All Forms Of Ego-Stroking Self-Masturbation?

Cindy R. writes: Dear Shameless,

Why don't you have a Facebook or Twitter following?

Well Dear Cindy,

Because unlike all of you selfish pricks of the planet, I have other important things to do with my life (like raising a family). See, it's like this... I like to try and make a small difference in the world everyday without ejaculating my life's minor details all over my social network's digital, avatar faces.

Let's just say I find it ironic that most people spend more time talking to their cell phones and computers rather than actual people? Guess I'm the politically retarded one here.

Where to start...? How about, EVERYONE thinks they are a delicate f@#$%&*-flower so I'll explain:

You can call it what you want, but in the end I highly doubt that Cindy telling the world that her "kid is cute" and "Johnny is the best daddy" were her original intentions for networking productively? Nope, she's masturbating her ego. How about Danny's photo of himself tongue-molesting his girlfriend posted on his profile? Self-masturbation...

For years, I have refrained from posting selfish, insignificant details of my life every other hour unlike oh, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY! However, I've had a recent (selfish) change of heart and would like to share how my first post will look on Twitter and Facebook because MySpace is soooo late 2006. So here it goes...


I was taking my morning shit this morning when I almost ended up using the whole roll of toilet paper to clean my bung-hole. Why is that? Is it because I'm wiping away at a turd that hasn't yet dropped? Are my pubic butt hairs just naturally absorbent?? These are all important questions which leads me to my final thought: I think those bidet things would solve most of our ass-hole problems in the world. ~Shameless}

See what I mean? No matter how hard you all try, in the end you still end up looking like a piece of shit for posting your life's particulars on the internet. So whatever the reason; you're looking for a soul mate, friend, family member, ex-colleague, whatever... they do not need to know if "Fluffy pooped today" or my "two year-old son or daughter is sooooo cute!" type of post(s). When I see my local news anchor asking for more "fans" on their Facebook account, I feel like they just puked an unnecessary amount of self-indulgent, DNA-detail into one of my dirty socks.

Whether most of you ever admit it or not, the rest of us could really give a shit about your trials and tribulations regarding obstacles we all face on a DAILY basis! My advice to AMERICA is this: use your f@#$%&* vocal chords to tell a TRUE friend your brilliant moments and problems instead of using your fat, stubby, texting/typing fingers.

But why Shameless? It's simple Suzie. I mean, Cindy. Because your life will always be compared to someone who's life is not as lame as yours (really). Oh go on, tell yourself otherwise: "But, I'm a delicate f@#$%&*-flower and you're just a freak of nature Shameless!" Yea, yea, you're still societies douche bag, living among the general population like the rest of us you "delicate f@#$%&*-flower" you.

I hoped this helped Cindy.

Oh yea, he's back...