Sunday, May 3, 2009

Because everyone has a HOT sauce story.

So my brother (Uncle Dan) and I try this hot sauce I bought from the World Market store awhile back. We just wanted to kick up my wife's great, but sometimes bland omelette breakfast she makes for me (us) on Sunday mornings. Which kind of pisses me off because my brother often borrows my wife for stuff like that. I mean, he did give her back though. It's not like that neighbor of mine who borrows my tools and "forgets" to return them! Anyways...

So we're trying one of those Blair's hot sauces (I think it was that Super Ultra Mega After Death But Before You Go to Hell one or something?) and it almost killed my brother. This story reminds me of Snow White when she ate that apple and fell asleep. Only instead of an apple, it was hot sauce and instead of falling asleep, it was you just bleed out your ass the next day.

I told him it was "mildly hot" and got him to pour about a quarter of the bottle on his eggs before he took a small, but never the less effective, bite. ONLY there was no anticipation or delay with this sauce. That shit started to burn his eyes before it even got to his face hole! Then he immediately turned red, gagged and started screaming obscenities for five minutes. He then proceeded to to drink everything we had to try and neutralize the pain (as he began to slowly forget who he was and what the hell just happened). In an attempt to save the rest of his breakfast, he then washed the remaining sauce from his rubber omelette.

After he finally came to, he just looked at me and said: "What the fuck is that shit called anyway? You're Gonna Die Bitch or somethin'?" and I say: "Yea, something like that."

So in memory of mine and Uncle Dan's hot sauce incident, I designed a bottle of what I think You're Gonna Die Bitch Hot Sauce would look like. For whatever reason, I didn't think of a flaming skull or the grim reaper or anything like that. Instead I kept thinking of something even more terrifying...

Barney engulfed in flames and saying he's "sorry" came to mind.

Here's to hot sauces and bloody a-holes!