If the Ass-Backwards Shoe Fits, Wear It?

Gary writes:

Dear Shameless,

Have you seen those hi-tech shoes that work out your calves just by walking?

Gary,

Why, yes I have actually. I saw a segment on the news awhile back about a walking shoe that helps you burn calories while you walk without even noticing? REALLY?? You mean it does something other than cover my feet from the elements so I can go to work or even jog??? AND it bends your feet up the wrong damn direction AND comes with a reasonable price tag of $250 during a recession???? {Hint: I'm being sarcastic for all you inbred idiots out there} Wow! This has to be too good to be true because if it's anything like those cool pump-up air shoes I had as a kid that would cut my blood circulation off (so I could perform better?) then count me in!!

"You don't even realize you're doing exercise just by walking in them" said Terry Brian from the Moderately Walking Shoe Company.

That guy is right though, I don't even want to feel like I'm working out because that could lead to boosting my confidence and actually shedding some unwanted pounds! That my friends would just be silly.

So me being the genius I am and wanting to cash in on this revolutionary idea of selling a f$#@%& -up shoe, I decided to make my own. I even have a catchy promotional phrase for it too! Check it out...


Gary, save your hard earned money and buy back the other half of your brain pal.

Cheers,

New Scientific Study Shows MySpace, Facebook & Twitter Are All Forms Of Ego-Stroking Self-Masturbation?

Cindy R. writes: Dear Shameless,

Why don't you have a Facebook or Twitter following?

Well Dear Cindy,

Because unlike all of you selfish pricks of the planet, I have other important things to do with my life (like raising a family). See, it's like this... I like to try and make a small difference in the world everyday without ejaculating my life's minor details all over my social network's digital, avatar faces.

Let's just say I find it ironic that most people spend more time talking to their cell phones and computers rather than actual people? Guess I'm the politically retarded one here.

Where to start...? How about, EVERYONE thinks they are a delicate f@#$%&*-flower so I'll explain:

You can call it what you want, but in the end I highly doubt that Cindy telling the world that her "kid is cute" and "Johnny is the best daddy" were her original intentions for networking productively? Nope, she's masturbating her ego. How about Danny's photo of himself tongue-molesting his girlfriend posted on his profile? Self-masturbation...

For years, I have refrained from posting selfish, insignificant details of my life every other hour unlike oh, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY! However, I've had a recent (selfish) change of heart and would like to share how my first post will look on Twitter and Facebook because MySpace is soooo late 2006. So here it goes...

{EVER HAD THIS HAPPEN?

I was taking my morning shit this morning when I almost ended up using the whole roll of toilet paper to clean my bung-hole. Why is that? Is it because I'm wiping away at a turd that hasn't yet dropped? Are my pubic butt hairs just naturally absorbent?? These are all important questions which leads me to my final thought: I think those bidet things would solve most of our ass-hole problems in the world. ~Shameless}

See what I mean? No matter how hard you all try, in the end you still end up looking like a piece of shit for posting your life's particulars on the internet. So whatever the reason; you're looking for a soul mate, friend, family member, ex-colleague, whatever... they do not need to know if "Fluffy pooped today" or my "two year-old son or daughter is sooooo cute!" type of post(s). When I see my local news anchor asking for more "fans" on their Facebook account, I feel like they just puked an unnecessary amount of self-indulgent, DNA-detail into one of my dirty socks.

Whether most of you ever admit it or not, the rest of us could really give a shit about your trials and tribulations regarding obstacles we all face on a DAILY basis! My advice to AMERICA is this: use your f@#$%&* vocal chords to tell a TRUE friend your brilliant moments and problems instead of using your fat, stubby, texting/typing fingers.

But why Shameless? It's simple Suzie. I mean, Cindy. Because your life will always be compared to someone who's life is not as lame as yours (really). Oh go on, tell yourself otherwise: "But, I'm a delicate f@#$%&*-flower and you're just a freak of nature Shameless!" Yea, yea, you're still societies douche bag, living among the general population like the rest of us you "delicate f@#$%&*-flower" you.

I hoped this helped Cindy.

Oh yea, he's back...

Cheers,

HIT REALITY SHOW GETS NEW TITLE: "John & Kate + 8 = 10 - John ÷ Kate = Divorce with a bunch of little bastards running around"

Forget about puppy mills... why should anyone feel sorry for people who mate like wild bunnies without any regard to the consequences? Where did I miss the new fad that having a bunch of children is the "cool" thing to do??

And is it me, or am I really the only person on this planet who thinks that Kate is a bitch? I don't blame her completely though; I mean, what kind of an idiot would want that many kids and a bitchy wife who's infamous for just breeding? You could probably park a few semi-trucks and pop up some circus tents without even leaving a scratch in there. {That's funny right thar, I don't care who you are}

How can anyone feel sorry for them when they make a butt-load of money off of their own self-indulgence because of the general public's inability to watch something else worth watching?! They both made the bed they no longer sleep in and I feel about as "sorry" for them as I do for Michael Jackson's kids right now. Before you attack me on this one (because I just love those hater's), try serving our country for a cause you may not even believe in- while at the same time having you leg blown off from a rogue missile and get some REAL problems Gosselins.

Cheers,

Pet Peeve #3

For the most part, I can be pretty patient. Not today... I'm in line at a local bitch box (espresso stand- I think it's called Java Slut) about three cars back and this GUY is talking to the Barista for like six minutes- after he receives his drink! People started to do that little, pathetic half-honk thing (ya know the one where you want them to know someone honked, but not you) and the guy still didn't get the hint!!

So what do I do?

I laid down on my horn like I'm taking a nap at a Pink Floyd concert. He looks around embarrassed-like and finally, drives off. By the time I pull up to the window, the java jugs girl is telling me what he said without even asking me. She said he asked her out and gave her a Victoria Secret bag with some fancy panties in it. {Huh?} Of course, she's freaked out because she's 18 years old going on 14 and he's in his mid-forties or something.

Do I care?

Not really, just give my damn coffee. There's no other stand around for a few miles and I'm going to be late for work. Besides, they fired the girl I like with the best boobs anyway...


Note to self: The uglier girl's side moves faster if I'm running late.


Cheers,

SLAP, SLAP, SLLLAAAP!!

I'm sorry, but this picture had me feeling sorry for animals, Carrot Top and the Hello Kitty franchise all at the same time. You can see it in his face that even Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) feels awkward? He looks like someone attempted to make a fatter version of Jay Leno out of some clay and then played "dress up" in old auntie's closet. If you can't take the heat... ...you know the rest Perez. There are many forms of violence Perez and you just showed Toronto one of them and will.i.am (hate spelling that out) and his bodyguard showed the other kind. I would pay to see Hilton and Will.i.am slap-box each other.
BTW: If you're going to call famous musicians "fagots" while offending the entire gay community at the same time, you better be able to take one to the face! {picture me dying of laughter here} I suggest an appropriate change of protective attire for the next time you head out.

Cheers,

David "Lamerman" VS. "Governhater" Palin Square-Off

"Letterman on the left, Palin on the right... ... and you can vote for whoever you like... ....yea!"

So here's my two cents on the whole Sarah Palin/David Letterman tiff; because that's what it is folks, a f$#@&*+ "tiff". At this point, I think both parties are paid way too much! Palin is starving for attention (as is Letterman) and Letterman's jokes lately, just suck. I really don't think anyone was offended until Governhater Palin was. Seriously, you know I'm right. All busniness aside, this is a personal attack on Palin's family AND it's a joke. Here's the rub, I'm not even a fan of Letterman and also I kind of like Palin. I mean, she's the hot, pit-bull with lipstick ex-candidate that everybody loves to hate but me and (R) Alaska? Whatever, go F&%$# yourselves...
Letterman is old and let's face it; he's about as funny as a reoccurring hemorrhoid who brings his penis-head, keyboard playing friend to a Mexican food-shitting contest the next morning. The whole thing is just an annoying, stinging sensation in my ass that just won't go away! In fact, I think NBC should just rub some Preparation H on the whole-damn thing so it will just recede into the butt-hole land of wasted air time. AND is it me or did Lamerman's show do this to gain the ratings of lost Leno fans? Nahhh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vun98wgAoLc

Doesn't she come off like a bitch? Does she not have something better to do? I mean, Lamerman did it during his widely accepted "job" Palin, you just used national TV at a time in the morning when you and all the rest of America should be f$#@&*+ working your asses off on how to fix the shit we're in for the position you're no longer campaigning for?

If that's not enough, Ol' Mr. Leo Brent Bozell, founder of MRC (Media Research Center) AKA the "Worst Person in the World" has to weigh in on it and "demand" Lamerman to apologize to Sarah Palin and Willow (the daughter the dumbass meant to ridicule). Ooooo... ... he's-a-shakin'-in-his-a-boots-now Bozell; because most people care if you poke your silver-head out... ... Besides Leo, Matt Lauer of the Today Show took Palin's side anyways. So it's a done deal.

Hate it when I'm right. Maybe I should have my own late night talk show or run for the next ex-presidency campaign? No... ...bad idea, because I hate politics and my humor is too "bold" and "racy."

P.S. You would think I know this, BUT I need people to tell me. LMFAO! Later haters...

Cheers,

Make The Damn Change Already!

(click to view image)
Today all US TV stations our cutting off all analog signals. According to the FCC (federal communications commission) there are still over one million homes who still have not made "the change."

Boo-fucking-hoo! Even if you're are 85 years old, deaf, dumb and blind, you've had well over a year with millions of annoying commercials and printed advertisements telling you EXACTLY what to do and when to do it! If you don't recall, this was supposed to originally happen months and months ago but was postponed for fear too many people would still be left in the dark.

GREAT... ... now I have to listen to all the same commercials again but with the added phrase "If you STILL have not" incorporated into them.

The FCC is handing out bumper stickers to help create awareness to those who still have not used their rebate checks for the new digital converter boxes.

(click to view image)



Cheers,

The Boyle That Popped

So we all know who Susan Boyle is by now from Bitain's Got Talent? I don't even intentionally watch the news and I know who she is. I have to say, though she looks like a wildebeest, she finally won me over when she "lost it" on those journalists who harassed her. Let's face it, who doesn't want to kick a journalists ass? Especially reporters who talk with a funny accent. I mean, she's Scottish and I bet to her they sounded like they had the tip of their tongues cut off like those old Australian Toaster Biscuit commercials...

"The're much fluffier than those hard English things. It tastes like it's got butta inside. They make my mouth watuh."

(click on image to view)

Anyhow Susan, take it easy, take a break and call your cat "Pebbles" because I'm sure she's missed you after running out of catnip and eating her own kitty-Roca for months.

Cheers,

Two Amigos Suck Each Other's Egos.

Former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton shared the stage in Toronto, Canada yesterday for the first time ever and neither disagreed about anything on most subjects except for one; IRAQ. Clinton told spectators (who shelled out $200 to witness the event) that U.N. inspectors needed more time for the search performed in Afghanistan looking for weapons of mass destruction to which Bush replied disagreeably, "I don't buy the premise that our attention was diverted." Apparently, that was about as heated as it got. Later, Bush laughed about how his father (former President George H.W. Bush) and Clinton have spent a considerable amount of time together on stage according to his mother Barbara who says "President Clinton and Father share the stage together so much, he's like a son to her." Bush then said, "So brother, it's good to see you."

Despite the overall friendly tone set by the two former Presidents, protesters showed their displeasure for ex-President Bush. Oh well dubelya, ya can't please'em all right?

Here's my highlighted version of how the "Conversation with Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton" went down.

{click on image to enlarge}

Politics are for the birds and politicians are just Hollywood rejects. This includes ex-Presidents.
Cheers,

My Guilty Conscience

Well folks, I guess it's time to pick up more dumbells again and less beer bottles.

I recently was standing in line at the grocery store feeling good about myself when I looked down and saw a muscle magazine staring me in the gut. Now ordinarily this would not bother me, but I've been putting off working out now since my wife got pregnant (about a year and a half ago; first wives have a gestation period of 18 months). In fact, for awhile we had an ongoing contest to see who needed to wear stretchy pants first. Either way I lose... ...Shit.

I picked up the magazine and when I got home I started to read it whilst I dropped off some pooper-troopers into the porcelain abyss. I have to admit, nothing has changed much in the industry after all this time. Take this pill, eat this organic shit, lift the weights this way, blah, blah, blah...
Here's the mag I picked up:

Guess It's kinda lost it's appeal to me.
Have a great weekend Shamers!
Cheers,